Skip to main content

Reflecting about truth

My mother had Alzheimer's. I took her to the Doctor in the beginning and due to quite a high number of threats from her sisters, my sisters and I had to agree not to tell her she had it. According to one of my mother's sisters she would either kill herself if she knew or she would perish twice as fast. It was a great responsibility to take a decision concerning other person's life and, afraid of having to deal with the consequences of an unsupported decision, I gave in reluctantly. I decided, however, that, although I would not tell her she suffered from the condition, if she asked me directly if she had Alzheimer's, I would then tell her. I was not going to lie to my mother about her own life. She never asked though and I never had to say anything. 

One day, when we could still maintain a conversation, I was talking to her and I told her that  if anything happened to me, if I ever got cancer or some other disease, I would like to be informed of everything, I would like to use my time to make my own decisions. I would like to be the one in charge of my life for as long as possible. She turned to me and said: "I'd rather not know." That gave me some peace of mind. Of course, I question, at times, if that was her in her sound mind, or her already ill, saying it, but still it was her and she was a very intelligent woman who never made the question: "Do I have Alzheimer's?" 

My thoughts went to my mom today because I was thinking about my relationship with the matter of truth. I search truth when doing research. I search truth in my writing, in the drawings I make, in the pictures I take. I search for it. It may not seem so, but even when I feel divided and confused I do search for the truth within. I am a true believer that the truth will set you free. Still, I lie. And don't we all?

 In my defense, I'd say I hide the truth, at times, to protect others from a hurting truth, somehow like I did for my mother. I lie, at other times, in hope I'll find the truth as I go on, in hope that I will choose the truth once I find it. Truth is what moves me and truth always sets me free.  So, if you ever fear, you will hurt me by telling the truth, know that truth is the core matter of my life and its other side, the lies, its dark side, are also known to me.

I feel the vibrations of insincerity, of hidden and unknown intentions. They reverberate like sound waves inside me, echoing for long after they are gone.  I'm moved by the truth and the lack of it saddens me deeply, hurts me profoundly. If you fear the truth will hurt me, know that I feel the lying, the uncertainty, the laconic answers. You too may be lost and have not found your truth yet. Perhaps you are not even looking for it, perhaps this is not your search, but if it is, if you know your truth, share it with me and set me free. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I upset people (This may be the first of a series)

I feel I upset many people. Maybe it is something I do, but the feeling I get is that what upsets them is the way I live, the choices I make. People get upset with me when they hear I don't believe in God. If I tell them that I once did, but have lost my faith after I lost my first child, a premature baby, they fail to grasp the complexity of it. They look at me with irritating condescendent pityful eyes and they think I can be "fixed." To be fair, maybe I fail to help them understand that after what happened to me, God as I came to know it and most people of Christian beliefs do, is of no use to me.  God proved himself either nonexistent or useless to me when my first born died and when I almost followed him due to Eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome (Go ahead and google it! Unless you are doctor or had someone in the family who had this, you will never know it.) He did not save my baby and he did not spare me the excruciating suffering I had to endure. And if you think I...

No espelho

  Olhei hoje para o espelho e me vi mais serena, me enxerguei com mais leveza. Não que esteja de fato mais leve, eu acho. Ou será que estou? Tenho ainda infinitas incertezas e dúvidas aos milhares, mas a imagem que me olhou de volta do espelho, não me olha com tristeza, dor pânico.     A imagem que vejo nesse espelho é de     calma, no olhar certa paz, talvez de se entender humana, imperfeita e aceitar essa condição.     Aqui, deste lado que estou, me observando no espelho, sinto ainda o coração encolher como se uma mão o quisesse esmagar. Encolhe-se para sobreviver e expande-se em seguida. Ao encolher-se, a respiração dá uma pausa e uma bolha de cristal sobe em refluxo, pausando ali no meio da goela. Assim que pode, o coração retorna a seu pulsar, seu ir e vir. Permanecem ali as dúvidas, as exigências, as demandas, mas também os desejos de só ser, irresponsavelmente ser e atender a cada quimera. Porque a vida é curta! A vida é sopro!    E o ...

The kind of person who lights candles

  I am the kind of person who lights candles. This is now, not then. it is a recently acquired habit, one that has done me well. I light up candles every day. In the beginning of each class I set up an intention, I focus and I light the candle. I ask myself to be the light, to be the container, not the conduit. I am now the kind of person Who walks barefoot on the grass of my backyard and lets herself shower in the improbable rain of Brasilia in May.  The four elements rest now on my desk making my therapist smile when told about them, making her proud of myself and my journey. I am the kind of person that feels the connection with the elements, and nature and the universe, so new. I am again a newborn being. And it is not the first time, I have once died and it’s no secret. This time, however, I did not have to die. I had only to shed the old skin, the one who served me no more. I am still the kind of person who looks in the mirror and who wonders who this new being is. This...