Monday, March 21, 2016

Reflecting about truth

My mother had Alzheimer's. I took her to the Doctor in the beginning and due to quite a high number of threats from her sisters, my sisters and I had to agree not to tell her she had it. According to one of my mother's sisters she would either kill herself if she knew or she would perish twice as fast. It was a great responsibility to take a decision concerning other person's life and, afraid of having to deal with the consequences of an unsupported decision, I gave in reluctantly. I decided, however, that, although I would not tell her she suffered from the condition, if she asked me directly if she had Alzheimer's, I would then tell her. I was not going to lie to my mother about her own life. She never asked though and I never had to say anything. 

One day, when we could still maintain a conversation, I was talking to her and I told her that  if anything happened to me, if I ever got cancer or some other disease, I would like to be informed of everything, I would like to use my time to make my own decisions. I would like to be the one in charge of my life for as long as possible. She turned to me and said: "I'd rather not know." That gave me some peace of mind. Of course, I question, at times, if that was her in her sound mind, or her already ill, saying it, but still it was her and she was a very intelligent woman who never made the question: "Do I have Alzheimer's?" 

My thoughts went to my mom today because I was thinking about my relationship with the matter of truth. I search truth when doing research. I search truth in my writing, in the drawings I make, in the pictures I take. I search for it. It may not seem so, but even when I feel divided and confused I do search for the truth within. I am a true believer that the truth will set you free. Still, I lie. And don't we all?

 In my defense, I'd say I hide the truth, at times, to protect others from a hurting truth, somehow like I did for my mother. I lie, at other times, in hope I'll find the truth as I go on, in hope that I will choose the truth once I find it. Truth is what moves me and truth always sets me free.  So, if you ever fear, you will hurt me by telling the truth, know that truth is the core matter of my life and its other side, the lies, its dark side, are also known to me.

I feel the vibrations of insincerity, of hidden and unknown intentions. They reverberate like sound waves inside me, echoing for long after they are gone.  I'm moved by the truth and the lack of it saddens me deeply, hurts me profoundly. If you fear the truth will hurt me, know that I feel the lying, the uncertainty, the laconic answers. You too may be lost and have not found your truth yet. Perhaps you are not even looking for it, perhaps this is not your search, but if it is, if you know your truth, share it with me and set me free. 

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