I upset people (This may be the first of a series)

I feel I upset many people. Maybe it is something I do, but the feeling I get is that what upsets them is the way I live, the choices I make. People get upset with me when they hear I don't believe in God. If I tell them that I once did, but have lost my faith after I lost my first child, a premature baby, they fail to grasp the complexity of it. They look at me with irritating condescendent pityful eyes and they think I can be "fixed." To be fair, maybe I fail to help them understand that after what happened to me, God as I came to know it and most people of Christian beliefs do, is of no use to me. 

God proved himself either nonexistent or useless to me when my first born died and when I almost followed him due to Eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome (Go ahead and google it! Unless you are doctor or had someone in the family who had this, you will never know it.) He did not save my baby and he did not spare me the excruciating suffering I had to endure. And if you think I found any comfort in any of God's words after that, you are wrong! I did not and I find none still. 

My approach to God today can be understood, perhaps, by the way I dive to swim open waters. Last year I went to swim in the ocean for the first time and I saw people making the sign of the cross before diving in the cold waters of Copacabana. I confess I thought for a second of how comforting it was to have the feeling that this superior entity is taking care of you and that nothing will go wrong because of that, but the fact is shit happens to lots of people, everywhere, everyday, so evidence to me is either that God plays a funny lottery with people's lives or he is not there at all. 

The illusion, when you believe in it, can be helpful anyway. But since I don't believe in it, but still cannot be a hundred percent sure, I mentally uttered the following words to a possible God before following my fellow swimmers of obvious faith: "Look, if you are there, please do not interfere, let me do what I know and stay away!  Do not make it more difficult or easier! Just leave me alone, you've already done enough harm!"  So, with no external comfort, I dove in and swam at my own speed, at my own pace, taking deep breaths and contemplating the view.