Anemia, a deficiency of hemoglobin in the blood. I knew that had to be the problem even before the appointment. Anemia makes you weary and pale. You bleed too much, said the doctor. He gave me colored pills, one to stop the bleeding, the others to keep me strong, but I'm not strong. You think too much, someone else had said someday. I think too much, I bleed too much. A vampire had been sucking my blood for a long long time. But there are no pills for that. Are there? The creature walked in the shadows and slept inside a coffin. Anemia, the doctor said, a lack of red cells in your blood. I'm half myself now, but I'm persevering. I will have to tell the vampire he can have my blood no more. Weary and pale, I walk, slowly. "Eat some liver, some dark greens, take your pills, iron, vitamins...", well meant people tell me. Stay away from blood suckers and buy myself a "pensieve", I add to the list silently. I always thought the "pensieve" was the coolest gadget in Hogwarts, a basin where you'd put your threads of thoughts to rest, to air. Anemia, said the doctor, but he does not know of the creature that bites my neck in the middle of the night. When it leaves, it is like the world becomes contaminated by my paleness, life cannot recover from my weariness. Life becomes full of this creature's emptiness. My soul became anemic and I have to tell the vampire it can have my blood no more.
I feel I upset many people. Maybe it is something I do, but the feeling I get is that what upsets them is the way I live, the choices I make. People get upset with me when they hear I don't believe in God. If I tell them that I once did, but have lost my faith after I lost my first child, a premature baby, they fail to grasp the complexity of it. They look at me with irritating condescendent pityful eyes and they think I can be "fixed." To be fair, maybe I fail to help them understand that after what happened to me, God as I came to know it and most people of Christian beliefs do, is of no use to me. God proved himself either nonexistent or useless to me when my first born died and when I almost followed him due to Eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome (Go ahead and google it! Unless you are doctor or had someone in the family who had this, you will never know it.) He did not save my baby and he did not spare me the excruciating suffering I had to endure. And if you think I...
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