On the impossibility of turning inwards and finding anything

As I seat here to write with a group of women from around the Globe, I feel I have to look inside myself. And myself, this week, is exhausted and cluttered. I am not sure I can look inside and find anything. Like a teenager's room, full of clothes and books scattered on the floor. I will probably find rests of food inside a drawer or a used ballet shoe among the t-shirts. Like a teenager, perhaps, I'm not sure I want to organize that room. I'm uncertain of where or how to start .

I've been losing things. These past two months of the year, this year that only had two months so far. I've lost a bracelet, a diamond ring, a necklace, not to mention a number of earrings I cannot locate. I've lost so much more in the turning of the year to 2019. Maybe I should not even care about these little things I've lost now. I, we, the country, lost hope, faith, the outlook for a better future. But maybe that is exactly why it upsets me losing any stupid small thing. I don't want to lose anything. Every day of the year we seem to be losing things. Every day is a 7x1 score, people joke around here, reminiscing our World Cup shame and failure against Germany in 2014. Every day, a 7x1 score.

I had vowed to myself that I would turn myself inwards after things went bad and we elected a tyrant. I would turn inwards and live inside myself, surrounding myself and the ones I love with good resisting others I cherish. But how could I have guessed things would get also so messy inside? How can I protect and shield my inner world, my peace of mind, when the debris of a country keep falling on our heads? How I can I organize my room?

Comments

The kind of person who lights candles

I am the kind of person who lights candles. This is now, not then. it is a recently acquired habit, one that has done me well. I light up candles every day. In the beginning of each class I set up an intention, I focus and I light the candle. I ask myself to be the light, to be the container, not the conduit. I am now the kind of person Who walks barefoot on the grass of my backyard and lets herself shower in the improbable rain of Brasilia in May. The four elements rest now on my desk making my therapist smile when told about them, making her proud of myself and my journey. I am the kind of person that feels the connection with the elements, and nature and the universe, so new. I am again a newborn being. And it is not the first time, I have once died and it’s no secret. This time, however, I did not have to die. I had only to shed the old skin, the one who served me no more. I am still the kind of person who looks in the mirror and who wonders who this new being is. This new self

No espelho

Olhei hoje para o espelho e me vi mais serena, me enxerguei com mais leveza. Não que esteja de fato mais leve, eu acho. Ou será que estou? Tenho ainda infinitas incertezas e dúvidas aos milhares, mas a imagem que me olhou de volta do espelho, não me olha com tristeza, dor pânico. A imagem que vejo nesse espelho é de calma, no olhar certa paz, talvez de se entender humana, imperfeita e aceitar essa condição. Aqui, deste lado que estou, me observando no espelho, sinto ainda o coração encolher como se uma mão o quisesse esmagar. Encolhe-se para sobreviver e expande-se em seguida. Ao encolher-se, a respiração dá uma pausa e uma bolha de cristal sobe em refluxo, pausando ali no meio da goela. Assim que pode, o coração retorna a seu pulsar, seu ir e vir. Permanecem ali as dúvidas, as exigências, as demandas, mas também os desejos de só ser, irresponsavelmente ser e atender a cada quimera. Porque a vida é curta! A vida é sopro! E o outro? Os outros? Todos os outros? É precis

Sobre os artistas - Para Bruno Sandes

Créditos da imagem: Jacobs School of Music Marketing and Publicity

Inner Babel / Babel Interior

Search This Blog