Canto M(eu) - A bilingual reflection on being me.

Sou o tipo de pessoa que não sabe de onde é ou o que lhe define. Saí cedo de onde nasci e cresci em outro canto, com gente de tanto canto, que também não sei se eles mesmos sabem de que canto são. Eu não sei. Por um tempo achava que esse lugar para onde fui trazida era o melhor lugar: “Nesse país lugar melhor não há”. Acho mais não. Acho mais nada, porque por outros lugares andei, em outras paragens parei. E muito que admirei belezas e singelezas “que não encontro por cá”. O que sei, hoje, é que se sou esse tipo de pessoa sem canto pra chamar de meu, faço meu canto dentro do meu próprio eu.

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I’m the kind of person who does not know where she’s from or what defines her. I left early the place where I was born and came to grow up in yet another place, with people from such different places, that I don’t know as well if they themselves do know to which place they belong. I don’t. For a while I thought this place they brought me to was the best place of all places. The rock song would say: “Nesse país lugar melhor não há”. I think not, not anymore. I think no such a thing. ‘Cause I’ve been to too many places, walked other walks, talked other talks. I’ve admired so many humbleness and loveliness I am not to find nearby anymore. What I know, today, is that if I am that kind of woman with

no place to call her own, I make my own place deep inside my own surface.

Comments

I upset people (This may be the first of a series)

I feel I upset many people. Maybe it is something I do, but the feeling I get is that what upsets them is the way I live, the choices I make. People get upset with me when they hear I don't believe in God. If I tell them that I once did, but have lost my faith after I lost my first child, a premature baby, they fail to grasp the complexity of it. They look at me with irritating condescendent pityful eyes and they think I can be "fixed." To be fair, maybe I fail to help them understand that after what happened to me, God as I came to know it and most people of Christian beliefs do, is of no use to me. God proved himself either nonexistent or useless to me when my first born died and when I almost followed him due to Eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome (Go ahead and google it! Unless you are doctor or had someone in the family who had this, you will never know it.) He did not save my baby and he did not spare me the excruciating suffering I had to endure. And if you think I...

No espelho

Olhei hoje para o espelho e me vi mais serena, me enxerguei com mais leveza. Não que esteja de fato mais leve, eu acho. Ou será que estou? Tenho ainda infinitas incertezas e dúvidas aos milhares, mas a imagem que me olhou de volta do espelho, não me olha com tristeza, dor pânico. A imagem que vejo nesse espelho é de calma, no olhar certa paz, talvez de se entender humana, imperfeita e aceitar essa condição. Aqui, deste lado que estou, me observando no espelho, sinto ainda o coração encolher como se uma mão o quisesse esmagar. Encolhe-se para sobreviver e expande-se em seguida. Ao encolher-se, a respiração dá uma pausa e uma bolha de cristal sobe em refluxo, pausando ali no meio da goela. Assim que pode, o coração retorna a seu pulsar, seu ir e vir. Permanecem ali as dúvidas, as exigências, as demandas, mas também os desejos de só ser, irresponsavelmente ser e atender a cada quimera. Porque a vida é curta! A vida é sopro! E o ...

The kind of person who lights candles

I am the kind of person who lights candles. This is now, not then. it is a recently acquired habit, one that has done me well. I light up candles every day. In the beginning of each class I set up an intention, I focus and I light the candle. I ask myself to be the light, to be the container, not the conduit. I am now the kind of person Who walks barefoot on the grass of my backyard and lets herself shower in the improbable rain of Brasilia in May. The four elements rest now on my desk making my therapist smile when told about them, making her proud of myself and my journey. I am the kind of person that feels the connection with the elements, and nature and the universe, so new. I am again a newborn being. And it is not the first time, I have once died and it’s no secret. This time, however, I did not have to die. I had only to shed the old skin, the one who served me no more. I am still the kind of person who looks in the mirror and who wonders who this new being is. This...

Inner Babel / Babel Interior

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