There is never time. There are children, laughing, running, getting their knees scratched, crying. There are bills to pay, news to watch and things to say while we take big bites of beef and fries. Things started and not finished, sentences left incomplete. And their incompleteness hovers above my head and haunts me and wakes me up from my counted hours of sleep and I pick a pen and a piece of paper on the nightstand, and I pick up the IPad at the grocery's line, or a napkin at the ice cream parlor and I fill in the blanks with the words of our dreams with the delicacy of the love that once was and I continue the writing of the bits of our lives. I pick them up where we left them and I choose the words that will keep them infinite.
I feel I upset many people. Maybe it is something I do, but the feeling I get is that what upsets them is the way I live, the choices I make. People get upset with me when they hear I don't believe in God. If I tell them that I once did, but have lost my faith after I lost my first child, a premature baby, they fail to grasp the complexity of it. They look at me with irritating condescendent pityful eyes and they think I can be "fixed." To be fair, maybe I fail to help them understand that after what happened to me, God as I came to know it and most people of Christian beliefs do, is of no use to me. God proved himself either nonexistent or useless to me when my first born died and when I almost followed him due to Eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome (Go ahead and google it! Unless you are doctor or had someone in the family who had this, you will never know it.) He did not save my baby and he did not spare me the excruciating suffering I had to endure. And if you think I...
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